Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
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(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.