Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
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Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Good morning
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”