Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Botany good plants lately?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?