Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁