Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
You Might Also Like
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.