Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
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3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
3% human
97% stress
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
the only organized thing in my life is crime
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.