Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.