most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
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Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.