Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons