Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
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twitter users today:
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.