@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

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@YoungNobler

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

@jonnysun

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

@MaximumEfficacy

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

@DaveTheAlbino

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

@LoveNLunchmeat

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

@CarpeAngela

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed