Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

this got me crying😭😭

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

i would wish you the best but i am the best

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?