Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

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Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.


I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.


My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.


Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no


[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar


What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?


*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish