Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
You Might Also Like
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
*orders delivery*
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs