Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
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Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
is this meant to deter me
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Single and childfree like Jesus
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”