@tastefactory

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

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@Storminika

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

@Cyd10e

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

@Raymond_LLM

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

@noog

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

@DurtMcHurtt

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

@bornmiserable

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

@KevinFarzad

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

@pixelatedboat

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

@patsatweetin

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

@curlymalloy

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.