@Desert_Musings

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

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@ItsSamG

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

@ThugRaccoons

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

@BuckyIsotope

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

@Brampersandon_

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

@ramblinma

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

@JohnLyonTweets

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

@Chhapiness

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

@SaraESpivey

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

@sallyelegant

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey