Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]


ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop


If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question


People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.


I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.


The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.


55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans


If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.


No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed