@samalmightysam

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

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@RandiLawson

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

@goulcher

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

@AaronBurdette

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

@daemonic3

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

@thatdentaldude

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

@NapVeg

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

@CornOnTheGoblin

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

@JesKeepSwimming

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

@KDsMorning

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good