Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
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If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.