most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

You Might Also Like


Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?


Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved


Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.


Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.


*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]


Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.


Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.


POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?