@RiotGrlErin

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

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@LifePitts

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

@behindyourback

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

@kimtopher22

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

@copymama

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

@mommajessiec

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

@msdanifernandez

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

@shutupmikeginn

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

@Jake_Vig

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?