most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
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I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.