Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
You Might Also Like
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.