Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
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Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.