Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
m’lady
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
grotesque if literal: baby food
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy