Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

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My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.


My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.


Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.


Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes


Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner


Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta


Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit


No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.


if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree


I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.