My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
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My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.