Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
You Might Also Like
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Close call…
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…