Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Hotels are back
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon