*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
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If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.