Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
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I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?