@mcdadstuff

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

@Book_Krazy

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

@christinaloca

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

@

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

@dlockw21

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

@shutupmikeginn

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

@wakeelee

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

@NickBossRoss

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.