Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
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There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.