Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
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Tell the colonel to bring it
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
They’re on their honeymoon
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.