mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

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*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.


Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.


I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!


One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV


♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫


My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff


Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians


My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.


Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?


The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?