@iwearaonesie

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

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@skittle624

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

@Thomas1774Paine

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

@RidiculousSheri

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

@weinerdog4life

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

@CornOnTheGoblin

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

@MariyaAlexander

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

@daveexplosm

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

@LostFelicia

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

@gerryhallcomedy

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

@maryfairybobrry

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?