mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
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I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
definitely did not do anything wrong
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
you stereotypes are all alike
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.