Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
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the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.