Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
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peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Awwwww shit.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
So glad we cleared that up
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Deer are just ballerina dogs
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably