Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
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Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.