Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
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[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?