Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
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Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
seems fine
The Compass
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail