Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
when someone compliments me
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Bread puns are on the rise!
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.