Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
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Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies