mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
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[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Swedish for common sense.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world