Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
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Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
God has left this place
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house