[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
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*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.