Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
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Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
it was love at first sight
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.