Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
the Monday after daylight savings
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!