mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
You Might Also Like
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
That was easy.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I hate my earbuds.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald