“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
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[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-