[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
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I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.