Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
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*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
i wish i could marry a nap
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.