“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
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Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.