Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
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“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
lmao
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.