Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
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*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
checking out some reviews of my local library
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.