*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
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When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.