*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
You Might Also Like
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.