Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
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You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers