[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

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FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind


Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.


I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.


I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.


[Blackstreet Bakery]

Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”

Baker: “No diggity?”

Me: “Baguette up.”


My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.


me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*


I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.


My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”


I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.