@TheToddWilliams

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

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@Megaafauna

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

@LoveNLunchmeat

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

@Lhlodder

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

@jonnysun

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

@ksujulie

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

@jctwritesstuff

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

@PaperWash

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

@JeffisTallguy

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth