[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
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UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Tier 3 meme
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Doctors texting each other.