@ShortSleeveSuit FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
@TheToddWilliams [movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
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@ShortSleeveSuit 
@kimlockhartga Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
@mayamanion I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
@TheCatWhisprer I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
@ojedge [Blackstreet Bakery]
Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”
Baker: “No diggity?”
Me: “Baguette up.”
@HomeProbably My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
@iwearaonesie me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
@QwertyJones3 I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
@ShortSleeveSuit My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
@TwistdidMind I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.