@Megaafauna Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
@TheToddWilliams [movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
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@Megaafauna 
@LoveNLunchmeat Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
@Lhlodder Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
@jonnysun date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
@ksujulie Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
@bonkerssteve 
@jctwritesstuff Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
@PaperWash I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
@ThisLocalHater I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
@JeffisTallguy Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth