[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
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Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Running from your problems is cardio .
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?